The Story Continues....

Well, that's all folks. You've finished reading the archives of this site which and this page will no longer be updated.

BUT... that doesn't mean it's over!!!

You can continue to follow the chronicles of the gullible, accident-prone dumbass Al (and now also his friend Dave) over at the newly revamped Chronicles of a Dumbass; TheChoad.com With a whole new visual style, online web comics and the inclusion of Al's old next-door neighbour Dave, The Choad is bigger and better than ever. Go there now. And bring pizza. Lots of it!

Credit Where Credit's Due....

Today I had a conversation with my good friend Matthew and it appears that I have neglected to mention something in my last post...

Al: I've put pornolizer on my blog hehe
Matt: yeah I saw
Matt: I noticed I didnt get the credit....
Matt: tut tut

Matt was the one that pornolized my faceparty profile to begin with. Then (if I remember correctly) he then pornolized my blog. Being pornolized is something that you could be offended by if you weren't aware what pornolization is - but I think it can be somewhat of an honour to be pornolized as long as no animals are harmed in the process....

BIG Changes ahead!

Been a while since I last posted something on here. There's a reason for that - and for once it's not because I've been lazy. No, infact it's because I've been very busy.

I'm still nowhere in terms of getting past unemployment, but there is something that I've been working on. I used to have a website over at bdtek.com but it kind of went down. It kind of wasn't really much of a website either. To be honest, it was pretty naff. Okay, you couldn't get much naffer. The worst thing about it was that there was no content on it at all, no purpose, no nothing, although it did (and still does) have an email system.

So I'm revamping it. It will be home to this blog, the email system and maybe a couple of other things, I'm not sure yet because I haven't thought that far ahead. The site design is being shared with another site - http://osx.portraitofakite.com (the home of Chris Kite's 'FlyakiteOSX' software). The two of us have been working together on bringing you a completely new and innovative website interface. I'm not going to reveal too many details until launch, but both sites will be themed to look like the upcoming Apple Macintosh Operating System, Mac OS X 10.4 "Tiger". There's even going to be a music player for broadband users - and if you're a musician or band then we may even feature your music on there!

We've spent hours every night for over a week now, slaving away over more html, javascript and php code than I ever have done and ever really want to. As of writing, the FlyakiteOSX website is almost complete. We're mainly fixing some bugs that are showing up and then we need to fill in some content and then it'll be finished and then ported over to BDTek.com where we will then re-write it for this site too. I'm hoping that the whole process will take less than a week from now.


Other News

We've got less than 3 weeks till our performance of Hobson's Choice by Harold Brighouse. It's being directed by Simon Wain and I've been cast as Willie Mossop.

Synopsis
A classic Lancashire comedy set in the 1880s. Henry Horatio Hobson, a widower and boot shop proprietor is much incensed at the "general increase in uppishness" amongst his three daughters. His eldest daughter, Maggie, being also incensed by being told she is too old to marry, retaliates by marrying the boot-hand Willie Mossop. Henry's other two daughters, Alice and Vickey, are also awaiting marriage to two fine young men, but Henry vetoes this when he learns that there will be "settlements".

Henry lays down the Law to his daughters, but Maggie has other ideas, and a chain of events is set in motion over which Henry has no control. Willie a mild mannered and meek person soon realises that neither has he! Henry soon find out that he has no choice at all....

Dates & Times
The show is running 8th-12th February 2005 at Daneside Theatre in Congleton, Cheshire, UK (roughly in-between Crewe and Macclesfield in South-Cheshire).

Tickets
Tuesday (first night) £ 4.00
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday £ 6.00
Concessions (Wednesday and Thursday) £ 5.00

Tickets are available by contacting;
Margaret Hoult :Tel. 01260 273947 or
Congleton Tourist Information Centre : Tel. 01260 271095

You can find out more about the Congleton Players by visiting our website here; http://www.danesidetheatre.co.uk/players.html


I feel like I'm starting to get stereotyped in these shows. When I first joined The Players in 'Allo Allo' I was working backstage with a small onstage part as a blow up doll. A couple of performances later in 'Fur Coat & No Knickers' they managed to use a real blow-up doll instead of me - but I did have to open Act 2 in my underwear. That, and an incredibly tight pair of 70's-style flares apparently started off some discussions and debates which I'm kinda glad I never heard first-hand. In 'Hobson's Choice', I don't exactly get down to my underwear but I do end up getting changed on-stage.

I've just started rehearsals for another show called 'Pharoah to Freedom' which I've been asked to help produce aswell as star in (as both Moses and Jesus). And it's happened again! Only this time I'll be wearing less than ever - I'm down to nothing but a loincloth.

Anyway, I've got to get back to working on the new website(s) so in the meantime, you can play around with this hilarious website:

http://www.pornolize.com

It's "safe for work" but I do caution that it does contain some very strong language.
If you're after some ideas for websites to translate with it, then try these;
http://www.faceparty.com/shloerolic
http://www.danesidetheatre.co.uk
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/film/4191503.stm

Even Superheroes Need Photo ID

Tonight, I am taking a break from fighting evil villains and making the world safe for all mankind and pandas. Because my last blog was entirely about City of Heroes it's got me thinking that maybe I'm spending too much time on it. That, and the fact that my friend Kate told me I was. Although, my mate Matt didn't seem to mind;

Matt: Catch you later dude- nice blog by the way
Matt: Excellent use of quoting tenacious d in your most recent blog
Matt: A+

It's quite nice to receive an A+. Especially just for quoting Tenacious D. I wish life were just that easy. Heck, for years I've been wanting to get paid just to sleep. I enjoy it, it's relaxing, I don't have to do much - why not get paid for it? I could play the dead dude in the morgue in a film. I could pretend not to have witnessed a bank robbery because I was asleep at the counter. Now that I think about it, I have been paid for being asleep. Well, it was more whilst I was asleep than for. And not just in one job either. It's just that there's only two that have caught me sleeping and only one of them actually fired me for it (falling asleep on a conveyor-belt is a dead giveaway).

If you've never heard the song before, the quote was from Tenacious D's song "Wonderboy". I was out with two friends of mine (Craig and Tom) the other night, and we were singing along to Wonderboy whilst Tom broadcasted it to the car radio from his iPod via some transmitter he's got for it. It's Craig's car. He's a good driver - he actually managed to pass his test with NO minors. It's a good car too (it's red) but it has no aerial. The problem this causes is that it doesn't always pick up the iPods transmission. It's fine when you're driving straight, it's fine when you reverse or just stay put. It works fine when you turn left, but turn right.... and it stops working. Suffice to say, roundabouts just aren't as fun.

So we arrived at a pub and proceeded to order our drinks. Craig and Tom were after alcohol but I just wanted a Pepsi. Then the barmaid asked them for ID. Then I was asked for ID. I don't drink so what the hell would I need ID for? So I show them my credit card to prove I'm over 18, and the manager comes out and says that all three of us need photo ID. I got ID'd for a Pepsi and couldn't get served! So we went out for a curry.

Tom and Craig both had korma's, whilst I had a vindaloo. When it comes to spicy food, I'm perfectly fine. I'm just used to it so it doesn't really effect me. Craig didn't dare try my vindaloo (my guess is probably because he was driving) but Tom wanted to have a go. He almost choked and his face went bright red as his mouth was burned to a crisp. Desperate to wipe off any excess vindaloo, he ended up using his naan bread as a napkin. It was a really good meal.

Kate came back the other day too. She treated me to a chinese and then I introduced her to Dave Gorman's Googlewhack Adventure and we had a really good time. And then I stayed up. I stayed up all night and at 6am I went out for a walk. Why? Because my Dad was coming back - that's why!

He'd caught me at home the night before at 7:10am (I was on City of Heroes). I'm not supposed to finish work till 8am and then it takes me 15 minutes to walk home. So I told him that they asked me to go in an hour early to help with a big delivery and that someone gave me a lift home. Quickly recovered. But I figured that with it being a Monday morning he'd be back here doing work and spotting me in my room early on a Monday would be too suspicious. He's already been askin me if I've been fired yet, or how long till I expect to be fired. On my journeys I went to Tesco and picked up some Coke (because I know that they'll serve me without asking for ID) and returned home, where my dad could see my Tesco bag in all its glory. I even have a jumper and shirt that somehow look similar to what I used to wear when I worked there. Maybe not the best of things to admit to having but as long as I run up to my room and get changed and into bed quickly not giving my dad time to notice, then he doesn't. Which is cool.

But I can't do this forever. I can't afford to do it. I don't feel comfortable having to lie about it. And there are places I'd rather be at 6am, and that's in bed - not stocking shelves or shopping at the place I used to stock shelves.

But on a plus-note, Ice Popcicle emailed me a picture he took of me falling out of the sky onto the monorail from his point-of-view....

I looked down...

With Great Power Comes Great Pain

So I've been playing City of Heroes again and rejoined my Supergroup, known as 'The Jedi Council' (absolutely no relation to my earlier journey towards the dark-side). We went into some abandoned building to track down a couple of evil villains but they were well guarded by many (and I mean many!) very strong, very tough men - with super-powers of their own. We were completely outnumbered and although we may have been able to complete our mission and defeat them, other people were having enough trouble fighting their own fatigue. And so, one by one my team mates left for bed, leaving fewer of us to fight. In the end, we decided to retreat.

Preparing to take on one the many gangs
spread throughout the building

As I mentioned in my last post, you gain experience. If you get enough, then you go up a skill level. The problem is, if you gain any experience but die before you have defeated your enemies, then you are in debt by that much experience and need to reclaim it. The mission in the building had me dying about 3 times over (but two men known as Trell and Coalfield kindly used their healing powers to resurrect me). Suffice to say, I left that building in a lot of debt.

As more and more people left, I found myself teamed up with a hero called Ice Popcicle. He stuck with me whilst he gained experience to push him up to level 10 and whilst I repaid my debt and moved from level 9 to 10 aswell. He's called Ice Popcicle because he has the power to turn himself into a block of ice and freeze his enemies in their tracks. He's great and we made a very good team between us, defeating hoards of outcasts and trolls whilst having [un]intelligent conversations about such things as looking for meaty targets (and about whether to become vegetarian after coming up against too-tough a target).

The deadly 'Ice Popcicle'

Better than an ice-pack

Meet Mr FluffyRabbit

As you travel through Paragon City, there's rarely a moment that you don't notice a well dressed superhero or one with a catchy name (or if your lucky, both). One of the funniest-named heroes that I've ever seen has got to be Mr FluffyRabbit (see picture above). He never spoke to me (I was running either to somewhere or from something at the time) but I checked out his biography which says; "I am a mean rabbit and I am here to kick butts!"
Fantastic!

Also, I finally aquired a new power!

What powers you ask?
I dunno how 'bout the power of flight?
That do anything for ya?
That's levitation, holmes.

The Man of Slate can now fly. Well, not fly per say, it's more of a hover for now - but flight will come later. But before I can fly properly I'm trying to build up my super-speed.

Just wait till I get my cape!

Comin' thru!

Don't look down!

The monorail you see on the third picture I aimed for, dropped out of the sky and landed on. It hurt. Almost killed me. But the thing about this game is that whilst you can die at the hands of your mortal enemies, you can't actually commit suicide. Fall out of the sky? Nope. Get hit by a train? Nah-ah! Get hit by a blimp? Skewer your right testicle.

It's true! There I was, having Ice Popcicle bowing at the greatness that is my ability to hover (as if) and a blimp came around the corner. I went for a closer look and alas - I got skewered against it. Ice Popcicle couldn't see the damage that had been done, and all he asks is "Can't you stop it?!?". No... you can not stop a blimp. Not even with your testicles. Not that stopping things with testicles is a good idea - especially if such an object is sharp and pointy or made of lead.

"Oh hail the mighty Cryden"

It's the GoodYear Blimp!

Flying for a closer look

Too close for comfort

And away we go...

City of Heroes allows you to perform certain actions and gestures, and I've been having a lot of fun using them at heights I couldn't originally reach. For example, in the screenshot below you can see me really showing off by performing yoga in the sky just feet above pedestrians. And you know what's even better? I actually found Batman!

Bringing peace to Paragon City

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah BATMAN!!!

1st Week of 2005: The Lowdown

So how's this first week been? And why no posts this year until now?

Well, I was supposed to start the new year out by going to a party with my mates, but my mate Chris has a girlfriend with a kid. Her sister was supposed to babysit for them but pulled out only a few days earlier so they asked me if I could babysit. There was no way that they'd get another babysitter so I agreed to help them out. Their kid's a good kid and we had a good time watching the 3D animated series of spider-man, hehe. Whilst he was asleep, I played Spider-Man 2 on their X-Box. It suddenly occured to me that there's something that Spider-man doesn't have that would make his whole life a lot easier.

Minions.

Spider-man should get himself a bunch of minions. Just think of the possibilities. He can leave minions with thugs to give eye-witness reports to the police - he can take on a lot more bad guys at once and when it comes to villains like Doc Ock - then he can just surround them with his loyal minion army.

Rehearsals for Hobson's Choice have started back up now that Christmas is over, and we'll be performing in 4 weeks.

I've also been busy helping out Flyakite with his new website (just wait till you see the new version) and the benefit is that because it's a joint effort, I'll be using a similar-based website myself. This blog will more than likely also move to a new site with a brand new design - the main reason being that I can customize it more than I can on this current server.


And now the other reason I've not been around much. I've been beta-testing a new game called City of Heroes. It's an mmorpg and because it's beta, I don't have to pay to play. But in a months time, it will cost £29.99 to buy and then there'll be a subscription fee on top of that which, in my current unemployed state, I won't be able to afford.

Basically, you design a superhero, give him/her a few basic powers, and then you venture around a place called Paragon City killing thugs and defeating evil monsters that threaten the city. The more experienced you get, the higher level you become and the more powers you can have such as super-speed, super-strength and flight, just to name a few. I've seen a few people who look like Wolverine (with working claws), I've seen a guy who's the spitting image of the hulk and even a guy in a suit dressed as the invisible man (and he can infact become invisible). So far, no Batman though. It's an addictive game and we've spent a lot of time defeating a mechanical monster known as The Paladin. It's one hell of a beast and can take about 15+ heroes to successfully defeat.

Heroes preparing to attack the half-built Paladin

Behold this mighty behemoth

...And now we have to run!

My character (uninspiringly named 'Cryden') I've based on superman (pretty much the same costume but a different logo and the sleeves rolled up). You can see it in the screenshot above. The amount of character customization is amazing! I've seen loads of heroes and no two that look alike! At the time of writing, I am at level 9, but once you reach level 20 then you can get a cape! To some it's just cool, to others it shows that they're all mighty and powerful - and to others, it will just nicely finish off their costume, hehe.


As I write this, Sons & Daughters has just started on TV (an australian soap). You only need listen to the theme tune to know that it's gonna be a bad show. And 10 seconds into it you get instant confirmation that it is, and why it's only shown on channel 5 at 5am. Just the fact that a woman does the most pathetic, unrealistic shriek at a plastic toy spider that someone's left as a practical joke is... well... I don't think there's even a word for it. Someone then damaged the steering on a car and unfortunately they didn't crash.

And lastly, I highly recommend Dave Gorman's Googlewhack Adventure on DVD. You can order it online from Play.com but I found it a lot cheaper at Woolworths for £4.99.

If someone called you a Googlewhack what would you do? You probably wouldn't embark on a 91,000 mile journey around the world. But then, you're not Dave Gorman are you?

It's a fantastic DVD and had me in stitches for ages. My eyes were watering because I was laughing so hard. The DVD has some good features too. If you've got a spare fiver lying around - then I highly recommend you go out of your way to go buy it now!


What are you still doing here? Go Quickly. NOW!

Or else I shall release my minions upon you . . .

Return to the Lion's Den

It's not a den. And there are no lions. But nevertheless, I returned to it. The place that I once called Tesco. I still call it Tesco, only I don't work there anymore. I am once again; the customer.

I went there to drop off my cardinal card. Now to me, the cardinal card system is bizarre. The idea is that you put money on it and then you use it on all the vending machines in the staff canteen area. One of the reasons for this is because they often do random searches on lockers and on your person, and if you're caught with money then you can get in trouble for theft. Now in all the time I was there I never knew of anyone getting searched, but anyway, what gets me is that you need to take money in with you to be able to put it on your cardinal card for it to work. It sees to me as though you can basically get in trouble for carrying a wallet with money which you intend to put on your cardinal card in order to get the wonderful chocolate located within their vending machines so that they can make a profit by ripping off your sorry ass. Without the ass-ripping part.

Anyways, so I dropped it off with my ex-supervisor, made a point to her that I'm going to go to the job centre to sign-on soon, bought some food (yes - that includes pizza), paid and then walked out and gave the store the finger!

Well, okay, I didn't give it the finger, as I thought that was a bit harsh. So I just pointed at it aggressively.

May The Force Leave Me Alone

I think it will be a long time before I understand a human's capacity for cravings. Now cravings for food and sexual cravings and cravings to be with someone are all kind of cravings I can understand, but it's the cravings for things that we don't even like that confuse me. For instance, I remember as a child suddenly having a craving for Marmite - and I HATE marmite!

But recently for me, it's been Star Wars. I've never liked Star Wars.

Lightsabers?

Yes.


Droids?

Yes.


Star Wars?

No.

The overall Star Wars thing I just don't like. There's a lot that I consider stupid about it - like Jedi's that require years of training - and yet Luke Skywalker somehow manages it within two weeks (calculate the time yourself and tell me I'm wrong!) The End of Episode IV: A New Hope looks so stupid and fake at that ceromony, and the Imperial Walkers which (not counting that they'd be faster and more effective if they had wheels) are difficult to destroy unless you;
a) wrap a cable around the legs so that it trips over - and then one or two blaster hits will suddenly cause it to explode which apparently can't happen if it's standing up (is this supposed to be a metaphor for being drunk?)
b) hit a couple of exposed pipes with your lightsaber. It will then self destruct and the bridge/head/command centre thing will also suddenly explode.

Now Star Wars is one of those things which I've never really liked, but I don't actually count it as bad. For me it's one of those personal preference things and I personally don't like it - but as a movie fan I can certainly appreciate it and understand why it gets 5 star ratings and such a huge fanbase. I watched them as a kid and didn't like the films. When I grew up I watched them all over again for the benefit of the doubt. I even saw Episode 1 (which even fans haven't enjoyed lol). And whilst I'm not a fan of the movies, I've found a couple of the computer games to be quite fun to play.

So what about this craving? Well a few weeks ago I got an inexplicable craving to watch Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones. There was no trigger. I never walked past a Star Wars poster or saw a Star Wars trailer or had someone talk to me about Star Wars - it just popped in there. So I downloaded the trailer to remind myself that I'm not a fan of Star Wars. That didn't help.

I eventually watched Episode II and to some extent enjoyed it. What I liked about it was watching what will eventually turn Anakin Skywalker into Darth Vader. I'm a big fan of Smallville (essentially Superman: The Early Years for those unfamiliar with the show). The setup for Smallville was to have Lex Luthor and Clark Kent as best friends. You know they will someday become enemies and it's the path they take that's so interesting. Smallville: Season 4 is really starting to show the tension between the two of them and the same theme resonates with Episode II. I also liked the idea of StormTroopers being left-over from the Clone Wars, who they happen to be clones of [avoiding any spoilers hehe] and that in Episode II they get to battle and wipe out all those odd droids shown in Episode I.

Yesterday I watched Episode IV again on TV. I waited mainly to see the conversation between Luke and Obi Wan Kenobi talking about Anakin. But at that very moment, my Dad walks into the room, places himself between me and my brand-new TV and starts having a go at me because I'd accidentally left the front-door open. He then wanted me to put some clothes in the washing machine which I agreed to do so during the adverts - which also led to me trying to explain to my dad the difference between a TV and a video (I kept telling him and he kept on askin if it was on TV now - how much proof does he need?!?). Conversation over, argument settled, he finally agrees to move away from the TV and Luke's jumping into his hover-car-esque mobile and driving off.

The only part of the film I was actually waiting for - and he goes and spoils it. Why do I feel the need to write about this? Because less than an hour ago I also just missed an entire episode of The Simpsons over an argument about job searching and also about my current job working at Tesco (oh yeah - he doesn't know I've been laid-off yet...)

The thing about my Dad is that he'll choose 3 opportunities to have an argument:
1. During the middle of a TV programme or film on TV that you can't pause
2. In the car where you can't escape [safely]
3. Whilst you're eating pizza (oh the nerve...)


In Conclusion:

• I've been taken over by the Dark Side of the Force
• Luke Skywalker is the worst-trained Jedi ever! (Proof)
• A "hover-car-esque mobile" is in fact called a Landspeeder (thanks Flyakite)
• My Dad does not know about me getting laid-off
• The reason for this is because I wanted to eat pizza when I got home
• I want my own C3PO to stand by my door and hit my Dad over the head should it sense anger from him
• Or my own R2D2 to do the same but to punch him in the groin with one of those... gadgets
• I'm confused as to whether 'Obi Wan' is his full first name, or if 'Wan' is his middle name?
• Gillette should consider making real mini-lightsabers for a closer, more sensative shave
• Pizza is amazingly good - and anyone who dare disagree or interupt the eating thereof should be taken out and be repeatedly beaten to death with an oyster

Sam playing in the icy snow

My mom showing Sam the new Canada Goose that she got for christmas for her Lake/Pond thing in our backyard. Luckily she wasn't quacking at this point (my mom - not the goose).

Sam riding off on his new motorbike....

Sam with the Thunderbird 2 I bought him for Christmas

My Brother Sam about to attack me with a snowball (which was actually more ice than snow)

A Most Excellent Christmas [inc. Review: House of Flying Daggers]

I hope you all had a great Christmas. Mine was good - was able to spend it with my 5 year old brother which was fantastic. When you find out that Santa isn't real, Christmas suddenly ain't as much fun. But when you're 21 and have a 5 year old brother who does believe in Santa - then it's brilliant!

He thought he saw Santa flying overhead on Christmas Eve - and I swear - that kid can get ready for bed FAST! It was like a mad panic dash to get the carrots out for Rudolph and the Diet Coke for my mo... I mean, for Santa and then into bed to sleep before Santa flew past and didn't stop because my brother was still awake.

He was ready in under 2 minutes! It was amazing!

Me and my brother had a great time and he loved the huge Thunderbird 2 toy that I got him. He's also wanted a motorcycle ever since I got mine a few years ago and so his Christmas wish came true when my mom got him a childsize battery-operated one.

I got some pretty neat stuff too like a 256mb USB MP3 player (yah!) and a couple of DVDs and stuff. And of course lots of chocolate which I had gratifyingly devoured within 24 hours...

I was quite disturbed on the morning of Christmas Eve - when I went upstairs to find my mother in her nightie, stood at the window QUACKING loudly! I swear, this is no joke - she was quacking like a duck at all the other ducks on her lake for about 10 minutes!!! I asked Sam if she quacks a lot and apparently she does - and agreed that it was silly. The look on his face and tone in his voice just said that although he knows it's stupid, he now just ignores it. He's a smart kid for a 5-year-old. I daren't even guess what's wrong with my mom...

Then on Boxing Day I returned home and went next-door to spend Christmas with my American neighbours. There was a fair amount of people there - Kate, her boyfriend Simon and his kid Beth; Chris, his girlfriend Simone (hmm, for the first time just noticed the similarity there) and her kid Zack; Chris's twin brother Dave and their parents Paul and Lesley. Paul and Lesley bought me some shoes after throwing away a pair of trainers I had which had holes in the bottom, a book called The Da Vinci code and a cookery book (and yes, that was intended as a hint for me lol).

But NOTHING could have prepared me for what everyone else between them would get me.

They bought me a TV....

It's amazing too! It even comes with a remote so now I don't have to get my lazy ass outta bed to change the channel and it has a 16:9 widescreen mode aswell. It's brilliant. Absolutely fantastic!

THEY BOUGHT ME A TV!!!

I was just in utter shock when they brought it into the room for me. It was astounding. I can't even begin to express how thankful I am to them. My neighbours have been there for me through a lot of stuff and over the last few years I've even thought of them as family. They're great and I don't know what I'd do without them.



Review: House of Flying Daggers

I went to the cinema with my neighbours last night and we watched a chinese film called House of Flying Daggers. (The original title is Shi mian mai fu which literally translated means Ambush from Ten Sides). It's an odd film this one. If you like Kung Fu movies then this one is definately one to watch because the cinematography is excellent and the fight scenes are pretty damn good. It's the rest that's a bit odd...

The further on the story goes, the more bizarre it becomes. It's about a group of people called The Flying Daggers who oppose the government. The government send a man on a mission to locate this group and discover its new leader by befriending one of its members, the blind daughter of the old leader.

It grows into a love story between the two and her old lover and ends with a battle for her love. There's something enchanting about this love story and the whole three-way relationship. Whilst the plot seems a bit dodgy in places, there was something about the three of these characters that probably contributed to myself being compelled to keep watching. Two scenes from the movie that are especially impressive though are near the beginning with the Echo Game and when an army are jumping through bamboo trees.

But whilst I enjoyed it and somehow felt compelled to keep watching, there was times when it was just plain stupid. Aside from its slow moments, there are things like summer changing to autumn and then to winter in the space of five minutes in real-time. Daggers can change direction mid-flight at will. A guy gets a dagger in his back which appears not to injure him in the slightest. And then a woman tells him to leave it in so he does so. The main guy (Jin) is supposed to be closer to his enemy than the love interest (Mei) and appears to be so, but then it switches to a far shot and it looks like he's further away than he was 10 minutes ago! There are many more bizarre moments like this.

And people just won't die!!!

You have to feel sorry for Mei who unfortunately appears to die about 3 times over. She just refuses to die. And whilst the two men will no doubt be glad that she's still alive, you're left just wanting her to get it over with and either make a miraculous recovery or just... die. I also felt as though the twist in the middle was just made up on the spot - so instead of it being pre-planned, it feels more like the writer just thought half way through "oooh - this will be a good twist if I do this" because after watching the end, the beginning suddenly makes no sense.

It's not a bad movie and worth watching but only if you don't expect too much from it and just watch it for the fight scenes and amazing cinematography. And then just accept the rest as a joke. Keep an eye out for the dodgy translation in the subtitles - it's obviously translated by someone chinese who doesn't fully understand words in certain contexts - such as the use of the term Playboy.

I'd probably recommend watching it alongside another movie, but I wouldn't disagree with IMDB's rating of 7.3/10.

View the Trailer.
Read more about it on the Internet Movie DataBase: House of Flying Daggers

Merry Christmas!

I'd love to be able to make a longer post, but I'm running late and might miss my train because Tesco wanted me to work an extra hour so I'm an hour behind.

But anyway, I'm off to spend the next few days with my 5 year old brother, Sam.


I hope you have a great Christmas.



Al.

Laid-Off

Okay, so "fired" wasn't exactly a correct term to use, as I have in fact been laid-off. How this improves my situation I don't know.

Originally they said I could work overtime on the last Tuesday & Wednesday before Christmas and also on boxing day. Boxing day pays about 3 times my normal wages, meaning that I could earn about £18 per hour for shoving things onto a shelf.

Then they told me that they had to lay me off because they've overspent on wages. Of course I was so happy to know that not only will I be unemployed again, but I'll also be able to have a reunion with some of my fellow work mates when the job-centre re-opens after this festive season. Unfortunately, being laid-off also means that I can't do Tuesday & Wednesday overtime. Luckily I can still work on Boxing day.

Well, that was the case up until the other day when they said that Boxing day counts as a new week and that working that day would totally mess up their wage system or something and make everything complicated and confusing. Which meant basically that the Sunday just gone was to be my last day. But no! It turns out that due to some reason with having to drop Boxing day, I now owe THEM 6 hours which I either work for free, or they just take it out of my wages.

Sounds to me more like they'd rather not pay me but still get 6 hours out of me than to pay me 3 days wages for a single days work.

Then they had the cheek to ask me if that was okay?!?

I feel sorry for the other 8 or so people that are also in my situation. There's nothing much I can actually do - nothing I say would allow me to keep my job or for anyone else to keep theirs. I just think that it's insensitive of Tesco to lay people off 3 days before Christmas, and with only giving them a weeks notice because people such as myself had already done Christmas shopping after budgeting expecting to still be employed and getting paid after Christmas.

So back I go, living life according to Odd-Todd but on the plus side I can ignore all the problems that Tesco have left me with by enjoying Christmas with my 5 year old brother.

Then after that, I'm spending Boxing Day with my neighbours so all in all should be good fun!


And today I'm liking the word 'nugget'.

I'm Back...

Hey guys. Did you miss me? Nah, thought not...
Okay, back to business...

"How was work?" Well, that's a mixed one really. They had me shifting fruit and veg around as usual, and then moved me to milk! I love milk. Especially the milk I was doing today. (Trying to avoid bursting out with "ain't milk brilliant!"). I was doing all that UHT milk that nobody really likes but what makes supermarket milk absolutely fantastic is that all the bottles are made of PLASTIC! I kept dropping so many of those suckers all over the place that if they were glass I'd be in a LOT of trouble! Some came in cartons which are surprisingly tough too. There's a few on the shelf now that are a little bit battered but luckily haven't leaked. Hope no-one noticed that they looked perfectly fine when they came off the lorry at 2am.

They also had me dealing with coffee too. Now anyone that knows me knows that I hate hot drinks (with the exception of my friend Emma's hot chocolate). I had no idea how many types of coffee you could get. There's gold, decaf, gold decaf, expresso, vanilla, instant, self-heating, mint, latte, cream - there's about as many different varieties of coffee on that one shelf as there are pigeons in Trafalgar square. Yet there's this one tiny packet of coffee by a company called San Francisco Bay that I found all alone on the shelf of buscuits opposite. I spent literally 30 minutes trying to help him find his little friends. I kept asking "Where do you come from?" - and then threatened any smart-ass packet of coffee that dared reply with "San Francisco." Then my supervisor finally tells me that the reason I can't find his little friends is because we no longer stock San Francisco Bay Coffee.
Well that was fun.

Anyway, I was walkin around and found that someone had left the wall open. Yah - you didn't misread that - Someone... left the wall... open.....

Okay, there's this door in Tesco which says "Staff Only" which obviously means that I can go in there and you can't. But don't worry, you're not missing anything. (It's cold, they don't let you eat any of the food and they force you to work ). There's a bit of the wall next to it which is also on a hinge and someone had left that open instead of the door. Not only that, but they also left me standing there for a couple of minutes totally confused out of my mind, trying to figure out what the hell was going on and why I'd just walked through a wall. I'd also just eaten 3 chocolate bars and downed two cans of Coke moments earlier which might have something to do with my mass confusion.

I read the paper again.

An elderly lady accidentally drove her car into an opticians.

I think there's a joke in there somewhere...

A thief's attempt to steal from a chinese monastery was foiled by two of the monks. They were both trained in Karate and totally kicked his ass!

There's a sperm donor who's fathered about 23 kids - but unfortunately he and his wife are having difficulties making a child of their own.

Todays stories just seemed ironic more than anything.

But all in all, it's been a pretty good day. Learnt a lot about coffee. Played hide & seek with none-existant coffee. Had enough money to afford to use one of the lockers to store nothing but my house keys and about 23 pence in change just for the sake of it. I managed to survive the whole day without injuring myself. Got to work on time. Got through all of my deliveries and some back-stock. Got juiced-up, psyched-up, from two cans of caffenaginated goodness. Stayed on the good-side of my supervisor. The same Christmas CD that's played every single day on repeat for at least 3 hours was thankfully restricted to about 20 minutes. Managed to sort my head out after the last week I've had. My legs didn't fall off. Spoke to my friend Kate on the phone this morning and hopefully should be seeing her later today.



Oh yeah, and I got fired....

The Void Continues

I'm afraid that the lack of updates will continue for quite a while as I am currently trying to cope with and get over a couple of personal issues that I'd rather not talk about.

I'm sorry about all this. Do not worry and please keep checking back as I will hopefully be back to my old dumbass self in time.



Al.

The Void

So first of all I'm posting at least once-a-day, and then I'm making a post about posting at least once-a-day.

And then I... don't.

Whilst I'd like to admit that I've been too busy poking a penguin you'll be releived to know that this is not the case. Nor have I been abducted by a gang of Eskimo-Ninjas or wild bears. And it's not like the time about 6 months ago where I finally discovered "outside".

No, instead I've heard some bad news from a friend that's taken a lot of my time lately I'm afraid.

So for now, I'm going to leave you with a few classic flash movies that I've picked out from my Firefox bookmarks;

Girl Singing at Work
Banana Phone
XiaoXiao
Potter Puppet Pals
Potter Puppet Pals 2

Reflections of a Blog

It's strange, when I first planned on writing this blog, I was only expecting to be doing maybe two posts a week. But so far it's been at least 1 a day. Consistancy isn't something that people normally relate to me. I've even got one friend who was taken back a bit by surprise when he read the blog today, having not read it since the second post or so...

Abb: JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!!!
Abb: you've been a busy poster in your blog, havent you
Al: lol
Abb: I expected one or two
Abb: but whole pages?
Al: I know
Abb: you're such a dumbass

I'm back at work again tonight, shifting things and moving things and lifting things and breaking things and tripping over things and noticing new things and forgetting old things and a few something somethings... I'm a bit tired, so going to rest now before my shift.


In the meantime though, you can Poke a Penguin

The Big Freeze ...err

On Wednesday I had a problem finding room for food in my freezer. I have a bag of chips (or fries, for my dear American friends who otherwise might get confused and think "oh look - crazy person!" which is true, but not necessarily for the right reasons) which have had to go in the fridge and it says on them "once defrosted, do not refreeze".

Guess what I found out today... the freezer compartment in our fridge is completely EMPTY!

That means that all this time I could have frozen it after all and I'd still have a bit more food left. And it also means I've just wasted about half a bag of chips.

Music Madness

Have you ever stopped to think about the titles of songs and the bands that are behind them? No, seriously... I've been getting a few songs that I remember from a few years back and was just telling my good friend Matt (who I've known since play school) what I'd gotten - and as I was typing them down stuff was just, ya know, popping into my head. Anyway, here's the conversation from msn:

09/12/2004 12:20
Al: downloaded a few classics lately
Al: Ocean Drive by Lighthouse Family
Al: (did they really live in a lighthouse?)
Matt: I think so yeah
Al: Change by The lightning seeds (is that a drug?)
Al: Always by Bon Jovi
Al: and I'll stand by you by the Pretenders (i.e., liars)
Matt: lol
Matt: you're on form today

So that's got me thinking about that kinda stuff - like the irony of the Pretenders (but guess that could apply to any of their songs really). It's like, I've just been listening to the Hackers soundtrack and there's a track called "Protection" by Massive Attack. I'd go through my whole music collection but to be honest I just can't be bothered when there are more interesting things to do like watch my movies.

I've seen 2 out of the 3 movies I rented. The first one was Beverly Hills Cop II (got the first and seen so many re-runs of the 3rd, but strangely never the 2nd) and King Arthur - both very good movies. Next item on the list is The Ladykillers which I plan to watch tonight at about 10pm.

Went to town earlier. Picked up 2 bottles of shloer. 2 for 1 offer. It's good. Bumped into some guy on the way back home who hasn't seen me in a while. He greeted me. I said hello back. He smiled. I still don't have a clue who he was. Got home. Drank lots of Shloer.
I'm in a very happy place right now...

The Art of Eating

Todays been quite a relaxing day. Spoken to a few people from my old Uni, a couple of friends of mine who live locally, good ol' flyakite and a fantastic girl called Sarah who I've not actually met yet - but like me, is a complete pizza addict and chocoholic. Went to town to see my mate Max and stock-up on more pizza. Returned a DVD that was overdue and cost me £7.50 - then stupidly rented 3 more (3 for 2 offer though ). Came home, went into the kitchen...

And my food won't fit in the freezer!

Okay, here's the situation... My dad lives with his fiancé in the next villiage, yet he's filled the freezer with food and now mine won't fit. He only comes here to do work in his office, and so its likely that he'll never get through all his food. We don't have a grill since that broke, so some of it probably can't be cooked anyway. So for now, everything's going in the fridge and I'm going to have to eat it pretty damn fast.

Not really a problem for me though.

Since then, I've been looking at the toon character I did of myself a while back for using on message boards which you can see in the 'About Me' section on the right, and my message board signiture below:

I've always felt happy with them, but the style I've found to be quite restrictive in what I can do. It's a similar style to the one I used in high school, with a little bit of a simpsons-look thrown in, but I've found that doing it that way makes it hard for me to express different emotions with it. It's not exactly anything to do with the style - it's more that I'm just not that good at drawing - and it's harder doing it using nothing but a mouse! So anyway, I've been sketching a few different styles and some will give me a bit more freedom, but I'm still not sure if I should move away yet from the current look as it does have a bit of that dumbass-quality to it...

Then I got bored and drew myself an Eskimo-Ninja infront of an igloo. I might scan in my pictures and post them up sometime, but for now, I've got a lot of food I need to eat and a lot of movies I need to watch.

Flying Kites Has Never Been So Easy

Apples. Can't stand them. Don't know why, but have just never liked the taste but curiously, I love apple juice. Shloer is even better (it's like apple-juice plus enough sugar to get you hyper for a whole day).

There are two apples that are the exception to the rule though - firstly The Big Apple, and Apple Computer, Inc. Apple have always been seen as the company that is the most original, most creative. Whether or not you like Apple's iMacs or their operating system, there's one thing you have to agree with - everything looks far nicer on a Mac!

Microsoft Windows has often been quite a horrible dull boxy interface - and the more recent Luna theme in XP just feels big, childish, clunky and cluttered in respect to the clean, shiny Aqua interface of Mac OS X. Even Microsoft's own software looks better on a Mac. Just take a look for yourself at Microsoft Word on both systems:

For a while now, people such as myself have been modding our Windows-based computers to look like Mac OS X. Years ago it started with only being able to change the usual sounds and icons of Windows95 and then 'skinning apps' came along which allowed programs to look more like they were running on a mac - but it still wasn't convincing. Next people changed their actual system files, changing icons and dialogs that normally you couldn't, but even then things got difficult when Microsoft put a system called "Windows File Protection" into Windows to protect system files.

Suffice to say, you had to know what you were doing because modifying system files used to be a risky business.

Better than monkey slaves... only slightly. Chris Kite (known also as flyakite), a well respected member of the Aqua-Modding community has been making system packs for a while now. They are a collection of files that replace your existing ones -

making him do the hard work so you don't have to. Currently, the latest versions are FlyakiteSP1 v7.0 and FlyakiteSP2 v1.0 for WindowsXP computers with Service Pack 1 or 2 installed, respectively. They are amazing pieces of work, but there are a lot of limitations with them. Flyakite worked amazingly hard on the installers making it the safest way of system modding available.

But now he's out-done himself! FlyakiteOSX is a new revolutionary way of system modding - instead of just replacing files - it injects all the resources into your own system meaning that this pack will work on many more versions of Windows than just XP SP1/2. Add-on packs known as Flyapacks will also add many more features such as changing of the standard window dialogs (e.g. Display Properties).

This is the safest method I've ever come across and have been fortunate to talk to flyakite from concept to finish. It's incredibly simple to use - just run the installer and a couple of clicks later and you're done. Gone are the days of editing system files - now anyone can do it! And even better - if for some reason you find you don't like it then you can completely uninstall it.

The release date is December 31st, 2004 - and you can expect another preview and an interview with flyakite prior to then.

Look At All The Things

Again, I've just got back from work (seems like this is going to be the norm for most posts - go to work, come back and make a post before going to bed). During my 2:00am break I sat down and read some newspapers (one of the ma... few perks). There were a few strange stories I came accross that caught my attention....

A poster that was made to be shown in police stations to encourage minority-groups within the police force to stand up and "Make a Difference" had to be scrapped after a police officer noticed that one of the models (dressed as a detective) was a convicted thief that he personally arrested back in the 80s. The poster has had to be re-made.

A woman is selling a ghost on eBay - because it's scaring her son! The ghost is of her father (who's said to be quite a nice fellow who wouldn't harm a soul) and so far she's had a lot of bidders. The winner will receive a walking stick which belonged to the deceased grandfather and is asked to write to the child telling him that the ghost arrived and that he will now be safe. Bless.

Apparently scientists in America have discovered that women who take slimming pills when pregnant are more likely to give birth to a lesbian.

I've had a somewhat productive day because I've been learning quite a lot of new stuff at work by either looking at things or through misadventure. I've learned that;

• Cauliflower also comes in purple
• Freezers are way colder than fridges and leave you feeling numb
• Some gloves only work when it's warm
  
• Gloves do however provide protection against the usual cuts and scrapes from cardboard boxes with a grudge
• Pink grapefruit is actually yellow
• So is Red grapefruit
• When attempting to understand the complexities of fruit colour-coding, supervisors just assume you don't know where the tray of lemons in front of you is supposed to go
• After such an accusation and proclaiming you know exactly where it goes, you find you dont
• Kilted Sausages are not sausages in kilts, nor do they look like such
  
• People look at you funny when you bring up the subject of Eskimo-Ninjas
• There will always be two people you work with who will call you "Alex" when your name-badge clearly says "Alastair"
• One of them will be your supervisor
• A third person will just assume you're Scottish
  
• Some doors only open one-way
  
• When there are lots of things on a shelf lots of things will fall off

In conclusion:
I love pizza.

Please Note: Pizza is entirely relevant to this conversation - because pizza is always relevant.

An Eventful Shift

Okay, just a quick basic update because for some bizarre reason I agreed to do some extra overtime at work. I think being in major debt had something to do with my thoughts at the time?!? But right now all I can think about is slee... sleeeee... sleeeeeeeeeping....

You know when you get a cut but don't realise until you notice the blood? Yeah - I had that happen to me on my face. I was just working, minding my own business, having a conversation with myself complaining about why I always happen to get my hands trapped inbetween heavy stuff instead of light stuff (did it twice last night with large boxes of banannas). I walked back to the storage area and noticed my reflection and realised I had a cut on my left cheek. Have absolutely no idea how that happened. Normally there's a bang and some pain and some "you've done what to yourself again?!?" but for some reason not this time.

Anyways, we also had a spider at Tesco. Two people scared of Spiders asked me to come over and pick it up. I head on over and my supervisor is all like "Don't touch it - Don't touch it!" and goes and grabs a beaker to send it off to some lab to get analysed. Poor thing's probably suffocated by now. But apparently I haven't run the risk of dying from a poisonous disease. Pity. Could have had time off work and still gotten paid for it.

(Those who know me know how much I long for a job where I get paid to sleep - now THAT's a job to do overtime for).

A while later a girl called Katy nearly ran me over with a cage. In all fairness, I was walking backwards at the time...

Some of us also found out that our pay has been... odd. Some have either been paid just about the right amount - or more than they should have been paid. Some have been underpaid by about £150. Our paychecks mention all sorts of bits of data apart from the one useful thing we can use - how many hours we've worked. So after figuring out a lot of math and working out overtime etc... I got a headache and continued stacking oranges.

By about ¾ of the way through my shift, I'd managed to get myself locked inside a large fridge. Luckily they designed it just incase someone like me got employed - so there's a lever for you to open it from the inside. But when you're tired and surrounded by a hundred cartons of milk you can go a bit crazy....

But on the bright side... I bought myself more pizza and a muffin!

I've also been beta-testing a program called FlyakiteOSX. I've known the developer Chris Kite [flyakite] for a while now and talked in-depth with him during the course of its creation from start-to-finish, offering my both my insight and insanity. I'm too tired to go into details now, but I will do soon. In short, it makes your PC look as beautiful as an Apple Mac with just a few very simple clicks. Don't slack it off just yet you skeptics - because modding has just evolved to a whole new level!

Almost a Perfect Day

Slept. Ate. Watched TV.
It was great.

Now I have to go to work.
Not so great.

A missed opportunity, yet 50 more to try...

Well, after all that, Chris never actually came round. He went to the airport with his girlfriend to drop off her son Zack, because Zack's going on holiday with his dad. After they'd gone, Chris tried to get back but got caught in a traffic jam and so couldn't make it. So really gutted about that.

But whilst waiting for him for 5 hours, I stumbled across an article titled Fifty Things You Shouldn't Do When Watching The Return Of The King.

It's had me in stiches. Some of it's quite tempting to do actually.

I might even do my own one someday, entitled Fifty things you shouldn't do when working at Tesco. Well, assuming I can get away with 50 things without getting fired first....

Sleep... Cats... and Nose-Bleeds....

Been back from work now for just over an hour and so far just relaxed and done... nothing.

I spent a lot of my time jamming my hands between cages (which can hurt a lot by the 15th time) and recently this week I've been suffering from random nose-bleeds. I had two of them during my shift today. Everyone's immediate response was "have you banged it on something?"

I found out that one of the guys working there (mid-40's) has never had a nose-bleed in his life. Turns out he's never had a stomach ache, ear ache, etc either. I was beginning to suspect that he was a bit like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable, until he said that he suffers from constant migranes and ironically had some paracetemol in his hand. Guess it's just how everything balances out?!? On the plus-side, I got to have about 30 mins away from working - which was paid. BONUS!!!

They had me working on the pet food line again. I used to have a cat which my good friend Emma spotted whilst we were lost in the middle of no-where. We rescued him and she named him Ben. He's quite young and looks a bit like 'Felix' from the Felix cat-food ads. My dad let Ben out about 3 weeks ago and he's not yet returned - which now means that I'm very unlikely to ever see him again. I was looking at the picture of Felix on the food packaging, and I miss him. He was great - really friendly and loved hugs (just like his owner, lol). He loved slinky's too! We'd spend ages at night just playing with a slinky it was fantastic. He'd always curl up whilst I watched TV, but strangely enough when Stargate: SG-1 was on - he'd actually watch it. I dunno why it was only that one that he paid attention to - maybe he just liked the word "Jaffa" aswell?!?

But yeah, I'm gonna miss him. For the last 3 weeks when I've not been working I've been out looking for him, but seen no sign of him so doubt I ever will. I've stopped going out on searches for him, but usually when I return home from work or leave for work/theatre rehearsals, then I always keep a look out for him - just incase...


But life moves on and I just hope that he's in a good place - whether that be by being taken in by someone else who'll look after him or if he's chillin with the Big Dude upstairs.

But for now I must go to bed to sleep because I have my friend Chris coming over later who I hardly ever really get chance to see - and then afterwards I've got yet another 11pm-8am shift at Tesco. Must... sleeeeeep. Sleep is sooooooo good - and very much under-rated. I wish it were permanent.

Okay... not THAT permanent!

Genesis

To quote a certain famous super-hero - "Who am I? Are you sure you want to know?"
That's pretty much the usual start of a conversation that me and 'the voices' often have. Then it tends to move off onto something a little more random like a plan involving plutonium, a hammer, and a jellyfish.

So are you sure you wanna know?

Well a phrase that seems to suit me best is "an accident prone gullible random dumbass extraordinaire", but it often just gets shortened to "idiot". It's hard to decide which one I'm more of being though - accident prone or gullible. For starters - I'm the guy who, through the joke of a couple I know who were dating, managed to be convinced that a woman's breasts 'squeek' when squeezed.

In terms of being accident prone, a general example would be from today at work. I work at Tesco on the night-shift stocking shelves, and I was trying to (unsuccessfully) drag a box of Ready-Brek breakfast cereal off the top of my cage. So I figured that if dragging doesn't work, then pushing it up into the air and catching it would. Suffice to say - I got hit in the face by 7½kg of Ready-Brek.

Although, that probably doesn't really compare to when I used to work at some factory watching raisins go past on a conveyor belt and every 10 minutes or so I'd have to pull out a stalk. I got fired for falling asleep on the conveyor belt.

Generally, work and I don't go hand-in-hand. It often only takes a couple of days for me to get my reputation for being clumsy. Although I was pretty excited with myself when it took a whole 4 days to get it at Tesco. I think it scares people when they witness it first-hand but luckily I'm quite self-contained. Haven't injured anyone else so far.

I wonder if I'm eligible for life insurance?!?